Aquarius

There's travel in your future

when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus

Fill that void in your pathetic life

by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day

Pisces

Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos

with the Ebola virus

You are the true Lord of the Dance,

no matter what those idiots at work say

Aries

The look on your face will be priceless

when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon

Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf,

then give a hickey to Meryl Streep

Taurus

You will never find true happiness

what you gonna do, cry about it?

The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up,

do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep

That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today

Gemini

Your birthday party will be ruined once again

by your explosive flatulence

Your love life will run into trouble

when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest

Cancer

The position of Jupiter says

you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud

Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose

while taking your driver's test

Leo

Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt

and staple it to your boss's face, oh no

Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding,

then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik

Virgo

All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent

Except for you

Expect a big surprise today

when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick

That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today

Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least a bit unlikely

that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have

a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you,

but let me give you my assurance that these forecasts and predictions

are all based on solid, scientific, documented evidence, so you would have

to be some kind of moron not to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.

Where was I?

Libra

A big promotion is just around the corner

for someone much more talented that you

Laughter is the very best medicine,

remember that when your appendix bursts next week

Scorpio

Get ready for an unexpected trip

when you fall screaming from an open window

Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem,

you stupid freak

Sagittarius

All your friends are laughing behind your back

Kill them.

Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine

you've got hanging in your den

Capricorn

The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person

but you know they're lying

If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows

and never never never never never leave my house again

That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today

That's your horoscope for today