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    My people rang me up a coupla weeks ago,
    (yeah I've got people, and a phone, and a grasp on the passage of time)
    Yeah they rang me up, said, “tim, will you go on ruth jones' show?”
    They want you to sing a song, it'll be fine, fine, fine.

    But the problem with my particular oeuvre
    Is that half my songs are five minutes and over
    And the wisdom here at the bbc
    Is that viewers switch off if you go past three

    And a lot of my songs have a bit of bad language
    Which causes the viewers untold anguish
    It seems their tolerance for smuttiness is reserved
    For pussy puns on are you being served?

    And so I…

    Need a song that only goes for three minutes
    Without no bums nor blasphemy in it
    A lovely little song specifically written
    For the delicate skin of middle-class britain

    I need a song with a chorus and a verse
    Without no nasty-ass cussin and a-cursin
    I'm a little too lewd and a little too long
    I gotta find myself a three minute song

    And they said
    Remember boy that music is like love-making:
    It's simply self-indulgent to take it past 3 minutes.
    Remember boy that music is like love-making:
    Everybody loves a pianist, but length must have a limit.

    So you

    Need a song that only goes for three minutes
    Without no pornography or politics in it
    You're a little verbose and a little bit wrong
    You gotta find yourself a clean-livin, three minute song

    300 beats at 100 beats a minute
    With nice clean jokes and a hoedown in it.
    Something for the telly that never ever fails
    To appease the viewers of bbc wales

    And even in the bridge
    I won't be lyrically adventurous
    Intellectually unmentionous
    Or racially contentious
    And I won't make double entendres at the expense of the chinese
    For china is a country that can bring me to my knees
    For china (×4)
    For china is a cunt-ry, that will bring us to our knees.

    Ooh mr humphries, my pussy is all wet.

    Two, three, four (skin)

    I need a little happy clappy country song
    Nice and repetitive and not too long
    Boring enough but not too boring
    With a key change here to prevent me snoring

    I need a song that is only three minutes
    Without no buggery or blasphemy in it
    Something with a pleasing rhyme and rhythm
    Well if you can't beat ‘em, get conservative with ‘em


    I need a song that causes no offense
    To flog more tickets to my concerts
    By convincing the viewer that musical satire
    Hasn't progressed since victor borger
    You've got a telly and I wanna be in it
    And apparently you'll only watch for 3 minutes
    Yeah apparently you'll only watch for 3..

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