My people rang me up a coupla weeks ago, (yeah I've got people, and a phone, and a grasp on the passage of time) Yeah they rang me up, said, “tim, will you go on ruth jones' show?” They want you to sing a song, it'll be fine, fine, fine.
But the problem with my particular oeuvre Is that half my songs are five minutes and over And the wisdom here at the bbc Is that viewers switch off if you go past three
And a lot of my songs have a bit of bad language Which causes the viewers untold anguish It seems their tolerance for smuttiness is reserved For pussy puns on are you being served?
And so I…
Need a song that only goes for three minutes Without no bums nor blasphemy in it A lovely little song specifically written For the delicate skin of middle-class britain
I need a song with a chorus and a verse Without no nasty-ass cussin and a-cursin I'm a little too lewd and a little too long I gotta find myself a three minute song
And they said Remember boy that music is like love-making: It's simply self-indulgent to take it past 3 minutes. Remember boy that music is like love-making: Everybody loves a pianist, but length must have a limit.
Need a song that only goes for three minutes Without no pornography or politics in it You're a little verbose and a little bit wrong You gotta find yourself a clean-livin, three minute song
300 beats at 100 beats a minute With nice clean jokes and a hoedown in it. Something for the telly that never ever fails To appease the viewers of bbc wales
And even in the bridge I won't be lyrically adventurous Intellectually unmentionous Or racially contentious And I won't make double entendres at the expense of the chinese For china is a country that can bring me to my knees For china (×4) For china is a cunt-ry, that will bring us to our knees.
Ooh mr humphries, my pussy is all wet.
Two, three, four (skin)
I need a little happy clappy country song Nice and repetitive and not too long Boring enough but not too boring With a key change here to prevent me snoring
I need a song that is only three minutes Without no buggery or blasphemy in it Something with a pleasing rhyme and rhythm Well if you can't beat ‘em, get conservative with ‘em
I need a song that causes no offense To flog more tickets to my concerts By convincing the viewer that musical satire Hasn't progressed since victor borger You've got a telly and I wanna be in it And apparently you'll only watch for 3 minutes Yeah apparently you'll only watch for 3..