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The Lament Of The Three Toed Sloth

Tim Minchin


I used to be quite active in high school
Back when my metabolic rate was faster
I was always quite stocky
But I was pretty good at hockey
I avoided white bread, potatoes and pasta

I used to be an average mammal
I was no Jesse Owens but I wasn't John Candy
I was never that attractive
But I was reasonably active
I sure wasn't synonymous with lazy

I don't think I'm that apathetic
I'll admit I'm not particularly ambitious
But the fact that on the ground
I don't break the speed of sound
Is typical of megalonychidae choloepus

Oh God, were you really being fair
When you named the land animals and birds of the air
Did you stop to think: "That's a bit rough"
Naming that poor little fella a sloth?

Pigeonholing should be left for pigeons
And frankly I'm starting to get sick
Of being labelled by the number of my toes
And the fact that on the ground I'm not that quick

I can't think of any other creatures around
Who are forced to share their name with a sin
There's a pride of lions sure, but that's a collective noun
They don't have a greed or a lust at the Singapore Zoo
And Tim Roth isn't spelt with a W

And just in case I wasn't disadvantaged enough
You blessed me with only three toes
That are actually too claw like to grab on to stuff
And this simian face and this damn ursine nose to top it off
Oh, and then you went and called me a sloth

Lord, I have always done my best
This cross that I bear has put hair on my chest
And with the three claws that you gave me
I've clawed my way up to the top of the tree
But up here I'm tired and I'm lonely as well
I've got few slothy friends and no slothy girl

It's really quite tough
Being a three toed sloth
In this five fingered hustle bustle world

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