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    PLAY

    Hello
    Welcome to my show
    I’m glad that you could come
    We’re gonna have a hoot
    We’re gonna have some fun

    Sit back
    Put your feet up and relax
    I hope you’ve had a drink or three
    The more you’ve drunk
    The better I will be

    And if you have a mobile phone
    Please turn it off

    Thank you

    And if you have Tourette’s syndrome
    Just do whatever it is you people do

    And if you are offended by strong language or blasphemy
    Maybe you should chuff off home
    Cos it’s only gonna get worse
    Only gonna get worse
    Only gonna get worse
    From now on

    Cunt

    My name is Tim
    I write funny songs and sing
    And if you don’t think funny songs are funny
    Well I respect your right
    To think exactly what you like
    But you’re sure as shit not getting back your money

    And if you write for a newspaper I’d just like to say
    That I read your publication every single day
    And I agree with absolutely everything you say
    I think you’re the most perspicacious and delightful, eloquent, insightful writer
    Writing on the subject of the arts
    But if you write a bad review
    I promise you I’ll come round to your house
    And lay turds in all your potted indoor plants
    I’ll lay turds!
    In all your plants!
    Your indoor plants!
    Your potted indoor plants!

    Hello
    Welcome to my show
    I’m glad you all could come
    It’s time for a little audience participation
    Sing, “yeah”
    Sing, “yeah”
    Sing, “ooo yeah”
    Sing, “I am an audience member”
    “Why are you making me sing”
    “You self indulgent wanker”
    “Just get on with the fucking show”

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