Hello Welcome to my show I’m glad that you could come We’re gonna have a hoot We’re gonna have some fun
Sit back Put your feet up and relax I hope you’ve had a drink or three The more you’ve drunk The better I will be
And if you have a mobile phone Please turn it off … Thank you
And if you have Tourette’s syndrome Just do whatever it is you people do
And if you are offended by strong language or blasphemy Maybe you should chuff off home Cos it’s only gonna get worse Only gonna get worse Only gonna get worse From now on … Cunt
My name is Tim I write funny songs and sing And if you don’t think funny songs are funny Well I respect your right To think exactly what you like But you’re sure as shit not getting back your money
And if you write for a newspaper I’d just like to say That I read your publication every single day And I agree with absolutely everything you say I think you’re the most perspicacious and delightful, eloquent, insightful writer Writing on the subject of the arts But if you write a bad review I promise you I’ll come round to your house And lay turds in all your potted indoor plants I’ll lay turds! In all your plants! Your indoor plants! Your potted indoor plants!
Hello Welcome to my show I’m glad you all could come It’s time for a little audience participation Sing, “yeah” Sing, “yeah” Sing, “ooo yeah” Sing, “I am an audience member” “Why are you making me sing” “You self indulgent wanker” “Just get on with the fucking show”