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Five Learned Scholars

The Rutles


One
Two
One, two, three, four
Five learned scholars
were each paid a dollar
to see if they could find out something new
but they met with some resistance
for accordin' to the distance
they noticed things got smaller or they grew

A ship far out at sea
looked no bigger than a flea
relatively speaking of its size
so they thought it more effective
to eliminate perspective
as all they had to do was close their eyes

Having thus removed illusion
they were thrown into confusion
for they found the darkness painful to their shins
so it met with their approval
to order the removal
of everything from elephants to pins

A passion in them burned
they left no worm unturned
they flattened all the bumps to fill in holes
and from Leicester to East Anglia
made continents rectangular
and evenly distributed the poles

But still it was no use
from their sponsors came abuse
along with threats of "not a penny more!"
so in exasperation
they proclaimed imagination
the novelty they'd all been searching for

The five of them sat drinkin'
all alone amongst their thinkin'
but of the gab sadly each still had the gift
and so with each uncorkin'
the wine did all the talkin'
and as each one held forth, each one came fifth

And long into the night
they argued wrong and right
'til death itself called out "last orders please,"
so the five learned scholars
sang a song for five dollars
and left this life upon their hands and knees.

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