MRS. LOVETT:

Seems a downright shame...

TODD: Shame?

LOVETT:

Seems an awful waste...

Such a nice, plump frame

Wot's 'is name has...

Had...

Has!

Nor it can't be traced...

Bus'ness needs a lift,

Debts to be erased...

Think of it as thrift,

As a gift,

If you get my drift!

No?

Seems an awful waste...

I mean, with the price of meat

What it is,

When you get it,

If you get it...

TODD: HAH!

LOVETT:

Good, you got it!

Take, for instance, Mrs. Mooney and her pie shop!

Bus'ness never better using only pussycats and toast!

And a pussy's good for maybe six or seven at the

most!

And I'm sure they can't compare as far as taste!

[Simultaneously]

TODD:

Mrs. Lovett, what a charming notion

LOVETT:

Well, it does seem a waste...

TODD:

Eminently practical

And yet appropriate as always!

LOVETT:

It's an idea...

TODD:

Mrs. Lovett, how I've lived

Without you all these years, I'll never know!

How delectable!

Also undetectable!

LOVETT:

Think about it!

Lots of other gentlemen'll

Soon be comin' for a shave,

Won't they?

Think of

All them

Pies!

TODD:

How choice!

How

Rare!

TODD:

For what's the sound of the world out there?

LOVETT:

What, Mr. Todd?

What, Mr. Todd?

What is that sound?

TODD:

Those crunching noises pervading the air!

LOVETT:

Yes, Mr. Todd!

Yes, Mr. Todd!

Yes, all around!

TODD:

It's man devouring man, my dear!

BOTH:

And [LOVETT: Then] who are we to deny it in here?

TODD: (spoken) These are desperate times,

Mrs. Lovett, and desperate measures are called for!

LOVETT: Here we are, now! Hot out of the oven!

TODD: What is that?

LOVETT:

It's priest. Have a little priest.

TODD:

Is it really good?

LOVETT:

Sir, it's too good, at least!

Then again, they don't commit sins of the flesh,

So it's pretty fresh.

TODD:

Awful lot of fat.

LOVETT:

Only where it sat.

TODD:

Haven't you got poet, or something like that?

LOVETT:

No, y'see, the trouble with poet is

'Ow do you know it's deceased?

Try the priest!

TODD: (spoken) Heavenly!

Not as hearty as bishop, perhaps,

but then again, not as bland as curate, either!

LOVETT:

And good for business, too -- always leaves you

wantin' more!

Trouble is, we only get it on Sundays!

Lawyer's rather nice.

TODD:

If it's for a price.

LOVETT:

Order something else, though, to follow,

Since no one should swallow it twice!

TODD:

Anything that's lean.

LOVETT:

Well, then, if you're British and loyal,

You might enjoy Royal Marine!

Anyway, it's clean.

Though of course, it tastes of wherever it's been!

TODD:

Is that squire,

On the fire?

LOVETT:

Mercy no, sir, look closer,

You'll notice it's grocer!

TODD:

Looks thicker,

More like vicar!

LOVETT:

No, it has to be grocer --

It's green!

TODD:

The history of the world, my love --

LOVETT:

Save a lot of graves,

Do a lot of relatives favors!

TODD:

Is those below serving those up above!

LOVETT:

Ev'rybody shaves,

So there should be plenty of flavors!

TODD:

How gratifying for once to know

BOTH:

That those above will serve those down below!

LOVETT: (spoken) Now let's see, here... We've got

tinker.

TODD: Something... pinker.

LOVETT: Tailor?

TODD: Paler.

LOVETT: Butler?

TODD: Subtler.

LOVETT: Potter?

TODD: Hotter.

LOVETT: Locksmith?

Lovely bit of clerk.

TODD:

Maybe for a lark.

LOVETT:

Then again there's sweep

If you want it cheap

And you like it dark!

Try the financier,

Peak of his career!

TODD:

That looks pretty rank.

LOVETT:

Well, he drank,

It's a bank

Cashier.

Never really sold.

Maybe it was old.

TODD:

Have you any Beadle?

LOVETT:

Next week, so I'm told!

Beadle isn't bad till you smell it and

Notice 'ow well it's been greased...

Stick to priest!

(spoken) Now then, this might be a little bit

stringy,

but then of course it's... fiddle player!

TODD: No, this isn't fiddle player -- it's piccolo

player!

LOVETT: 'Ow can you tell?

TODD: It's piping hot!

LOVETT: Then blow on it first!

TODD:

The history of the world, my sweet --

LOVETT:

Oh, Mr. Todd,

Ooh, Mr. Todd,

What does it tell?

TODD:

Is who gets eaten, and who gets to eat!

LOVETT:

And, Mr. Todd,

Too, Mr. Todd,

Who gets to sell!

TODD:

But fortunately, it's also clear

BOTH:

That [L: But] ev'rybody goes down well with beer!

LOVETT: (spoken)

Since marine doesn't appeal to you, 'ow about... rear

admiral?

TODD: Too salty. I prefer general.

LOVETT: With, or without his privates? "With" is

extra.

TODD: What is that?

LOVETT:

It's fop.

Finest in the shop.

And we have some shepherd's pie peppered

With actual shepherd on top!

And I've just begun --

Here's the politician, so oily

It's served with a doily,

Have one!

TODD:

Put it on a bun.

Well, you never know if it's going to run!

LOVETT:

Try the friar,

Fried, it's drier!

TODD:

No, the clergy is really

Too coarse and too mealy!

LOVETT:

Then actor,

That's compacter!

TODD:

Yes, and always arrives overdone!

I'll come again when you have JUDGE on the menu!

LOVETT: (spoken) Wait! True, we don't have judge yet,

but we've got something you might fancy even better.

TODD: What's that?

LOVETT: Executioner!

TODD:

Have charity towards the world, my pet!

LOVETT:

Yes, yes, I know, my love!

TODD:

We'll take the customers that we can get!

LOVETT:

High-born and low, my love!

TODD:

We'll not discriminate great from small!

No, we'll serve anyone,

Meaning anyone,

BOTH:

And to anyone

At all!