I'm sitting on the back of the football bus All the lads are wearing shorts and shin pads Talkin' 'bout the game they're gonna win this afternoon And all this display of masculinity Well it's making me feel a bit nauseous So I close my eyes and I pray it'll be over soon
Now I have never functioned well at a competitive sport I just can't find the fun And besides, I'm far too paranoid About the way I look when I run!
So I sit here combing my hair Trying my hardest not to stare But it's getting cold out Then the whistle blows
I will never be captain, but I will be king And I'm gonna achieve the most wonderful things That don't involve playing football in the rain I will never be one of the lads in the team But I'll conquer the system and fight for my dreams And I don't know if I could ever win But I'm gonna be the best there's ever been
Now johnny is the head of our football team He always boasts to his friends about women I wonder if he'd carry on that way If I told them all the places we'd been in And johnny struts around on the football pitch With an arrogant smirk on his face But he wears a smile of a different kind When he comes to stay over at my place!
And I'll sit there combing my hair While he's taking off his underwear And it's getting warmer 'til the whistle blows
And johnny is captain and johnny is king And his parents are hoping for wonderful things That don't involve him screwing 'round with me (they don't want him screwing 'round with me) And johnny's the best-looking lad on the team All the guys want to be him, he's "every girl's dream" And no, I don't think I will ever win But I'm gonna be the best there's ever been
I'm sitting on the back of the football bus And I wonder... will it ever change?