You see me standing here in front of you
Like a dumb reprobate with nothin' to do
Well I'm no Einstein but I know a thing or two
I make my decisions and I take a stand

I call 'em like I see 'em 'cause I'm my own man
Win or lose I don't need no help from you
I start my day with a cup of trans fat
And I open my windows with a baseball bat

And when I don't recognize a number I answer immediately
I built my dream house on a stretch of wet sand
And Matchbox Twenty is my favorite band
Every album they release I buy obediently

Cause I go full throttle and I don't think twice
I do my skatin' on real thin ice
I like to say I stick to my guns
But I'm just good at making bad decisions

I wore ankle weights when I ran with bulls
I sold my Mickey Mantle rookie
Card to a one eyed hobo named Sleepy for a dollar
I declared a vendetta on the mafia

I used to keep my money in mason jars
But now I just carry it with me at all times
I heat my house with a microwave
I practice yodeling in a grizzly cave

And even though I have no friends I have three guest bedrooms
Ride my 10-speed on the interstate
Asked a cannibal girl to a dinner date
And I paid twenty-seven thousand dollars for this rhinestone

Cause I'm a man who goes with his gut
I won't back off I'll tell you what
I like to say I stick to my guns
But I'm just good at making bad decisions. Bad decisions