CALLAHAN Now when you choose a law career The moment you embark There is that joke you're bound hear A lawyer is a shark
Ignore that, it's simplistic and it's dumb Only some of you will turn out sharks, just some The rest are chumps
Our topic is blood in the water Kids, it's time you faced Law school is a waste Oh yes, unless you acquire a taste for
Blood in the water Dark and red and raw You're nothing until the thrill of the kill Becomes your only law
(spoken) Mr. . . . Sholtz, hypothetical question. Would you be willing to defend the following banker accused of fraud?
(sung) A kind old grandma took her savings and she sent it Off to your client, all she saved since she was born Well he promised to invest it, but he spent it On prostitutes and heroine and porn
STUDENT (spoken) No, I would not want to take that case!
CALLAHAN Wrong! This one is a win unless you're lazy Grandma's broke; she'll have some hack from legal aid! Put her on the stand and call her old and crazy Your guy goes free and he can get you high and laid
Look for the blood in the water Read your Thomas Hobbs Only spineless snobs Will quarrel with the morally dubious jobs
Yes, blood in the water Your scruples are a flaw
(spoken) Ms. . . . Hupes, hypothetical question. Would you be the right lawyer for the following client?
(sung) Say they offer you a bundle for defending A famous hit man for the mafia elite Seems he missed his chosen prey Killed a nun and drove away Running over three cute puppies in the street
STUDENT (spoken) What, you think I wouldn't defend him just because he's a typical man?
CALLAHAN (spoken) Oh, you lesbians think you're so up top.
STUDENT (spoken) But--
CALLAHAN Oh dear, I fear my comment has offended Hard to argue, though, when you're too mad to speak Your employment will be very quickly ended When they see how your emotions make you weak
So what's my point? I run a billion dollar law firm! And I hire four new interns every year From this class I will select four young sharks whom I respect And those four will have a guaranteed career Do you follow me?
So I wanna see . . . What?
STUDENTS Blood in the water
CALLAHAN Exactly, let the games begin
CALLAHAN Four of you will win
CALLAHAN But just those four with the dorsal fin Yes, blood in the water So fight and scratch and claw
(spoken) Yes, Miss, uh
ELLE (spoken) Woods, Elle Woods
CALLAHAN (spoken) Someone's had their morning coffee. Would you summarize the case of State of Indiana v. Hurn in your reading?
ELLE (spoken) Oh, I wanted to answer the puppy question?
CALLAHAN (spoken) But I'm asking you about the assigned reading.
ELLE (spoken) Okay, who assigns reading for the first day of class?
CALLAHAN (spoken) You have guts, Ms. Woods. Ms. . . . Kenzington
(sung) Let's say you teach a class at Harvard Law School A position that you're justly proud of But a girl on whom you call hasn't read the case at all Should you let it go or--
VIVIENNE (spoken) No! I'd throw her out!
CALLAHAN All right, then. You have heard your classmate You have just been killed She cut your throat, so grab your coat Yes, you've got guts but
ALL Now there's spilled your Blood in the water
CALLAHAN So would you please withdraw And if you return Be ready to learn Or is it unfair? Oh, wait I don't care! That's just how I roll In life and in school With fear and shock and gall