I'll tell you a story that happened to me
One day as I went down to Yawl by the sea
The sun it was bright and the day it was warm,
Says I, "a quiet pint wouldn't do me no harm"
I went in to the barman, and says "give me a stout"
Says the barman, "I'm sorry, all the beer is sold out
Try whiskey or vodka, ten years in the wood"
Says I, "I'll try cider, I've heard it was good."

Chorus:
Oh never, Oh never, Oh never again
If I live to a hundred or a hundred and ten
I fell to the ground and I couldn't get up
After drinking a pint of the Johnny Jump Up

After lowering the third I headed straight to the yard
Where I bumped into Brophy, the big civic guard
"Come here to me boy, don't you know I'm the law?"
Well, I up with me fist and I shattered his jaw
He fell to the ground with his knees doubled up
But it wasn't I hit him, 'twas the Johnny Jump Up

The next thing I remember down in Yawl by the sea
Was a cripple on crutches and says he to me,
"I'm afraid of me life I'll be hit by a car
Won't you help me across to the Railwayman's Bar?"
After drinking three pints of that cider so sweet
He threw down his crutches and danced at his feet

Chorus...

Now I went up the lee road, a friend for to see
They call it the madhouse in Cork by the lee
Well when I got there, the truth I do tell,
They had this poor bugger locked up in a cell
Said the guard, testing him, say these words if you can
"Around the ragged rock the ragged rascal ran"
"Tell him I'm not crazy, tell him I'm not mad
It was six pints of that cider I had!"

Chorus...

Now a man died in the union by the name of McNabb
They washed him and laid him outside on the slab
And after the coroner his measurements did take
His wife brought him home to a bloody fine wake
Twas about 12 o'clock and the beer was high
The corpse sits up and says with a sigh
"I can't get to heaven, they won't let me up
Til I bring them a pint of the Johnny Jump Up!"

Chorus... (x2)