I'm twenty four, I don't own a tie
I don't have a job and I love to get high
My hairline's receding, I'm getting a gut
I love to jerk off and I love to read smut
I can't run a mile
I'm not Calvin Klein, but I gots my own style
I smoke a pack a day, on a good day its two
But with all my faults
I'm still cooler than you

I can't drive a stick, I don't really surf
My parents disowned me cuz I'm a real jerk
I don't really cook and I don't wash my car
I can't program the timer on my VCR
I hate doing laundry, can't stand washing a plate
I haven't seen a girl naked since 1988
I know this sounds wrong but believe me its true
With all this against me
I'm still cooler than you

Now you must realize I don't mean what I say
But lying to myself helps me get through the day
We are the same, we are Abbott and Lou
You are as I and I as you