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    I met him in a crowded room
    Where people go to drink away their gloom
    He sat me down and so began
    The story of a charmless man
    Educated the expensive way
    He knows his claret from his beaujolais
    I think he’d like to have been Ronnie Kray
    But then nature didn’t make him that way

    He thinks he’s educated, airs those family shares
    Will protect him, that we’ll respect him
    He moves in circles of friends who just pretend
    That they like him, he does the same to them
    And when you put it all together
    There’s the model of a charmless man

    He knows the singers and their cavalry
    Says he can get in anywhere for free
    I began to go a little cross-eyed
    And from this charmless man I just had to hide

    He talks at speed he gets nosebleeds
    He doesn’t see his days are tumbling down upon him
    And yet he tries so hard to please
    He’s just so keen for you to listen
    But no-one’s listening
    And when you put it all together there’s the model of a charmless man

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