After another allnighter of killing,
Turkey makes movie madness pit stop rental,
For some goretits and blood spilling
I tried to rent “Don’t Go In The House”,
But some dipshit beat me to it,
Instead I got stuck with something called Boarding House!!!

Alone on the racks it sat stinking like slime,
Battered, worn out, and beat up
A forgotten VHS turd in time
Said it starred someone named “Kalassu”
And directed by “John Wintergate,
I wondered and shouted out loud – “WHO???”

I did not expect what I saw on my TV,
My brain began to instantly rot,
As new heights of lunacy flashed before me,
Early 80’s shot-on-video pioneering trash,
Piled on the gore, filth, and boobage,
So greasy and stupid it gave me a rash

Cheesy commodore 64 opening credits,
With loud obnoxious sounds grating my ears,
And really testing my limits
Tells the tale of the cursed “Hoffman house”
A premise so flimsy and weak,
I hope a chick at least takes off her blouse

Chorus:
Boarding House!!!
Where the rent won’t kill you,
But something else will!!!
Boarding House!!!
Along with the new residents,
Something else moved in!!!!

Camaro driving sleazeball re-opens the place,
Pathetic rat-tail sporting, weasel looking bastard,
“Tom G Warrior with AIDS” with an even uglier face
Ad in paper looking for “beautiful women with no ties”,
1980’s sluts arrive firing up the Jacuzzi ‘n bikinis
I really couldn’t wait until everybody dies!!!

Slasher-style killings, bad dreams and pie fights,
Bad editing, fake accents, dime-store gore fx
Wow this flick really fucking bites!!!
But the more I watched, the more my sanity fled,
Sitting through this shitbucket of a flick,
Meant that people would soon be dead!!!

Chorus:
Boarding House!!!
Where are you Kalassu, John Wintergate,
And the others???
Boarding House!!!
You’ve taken 95 minutes of my life away,
So how do I than you???